Oh, How He Loves..

Hey guys! So lecture phase is over and I can't believe it! On Monday we will be starting week twelve, and prepping for stateside. I have no idea where these past eleven weeks went, but they definitely flew by. It's so crazy to think that we're already halfway done with DTS, but I'm SO excited for what's in store for stateside and outreach! Yesterday we learned the Everything drama and practiced it a few times. I have the part of the girl, so I'm super excited and nervous at the same time! I've never really performed anything before, let alone had a main part; but this drama is so incredible and impactful, I can't wait for our team to share it in Peru. We are still raising funds for outreach, and our group total went up another 5% since our last finance check, so now we only have 22% left to raise! It's due by next Friday, so if you would like to pray with us for God's provision in this, it would definitely be appreciated. :)
                                                           
                                                ~

So, it's been a while since I shared with you guys what God has been showing me personally. (This one will probably be a bit lengthy..sorry!) Over these past few weeks God has really been drawing me closer to Him, and it's been great! As I said in one of my earlier posts, I've had trouble in the past with being a good steward of my emotions. I've struggled with insecurities about my body image since I was pretty young; I would guess about eleven or twelve. I always felt big, especially when comparing myself to my friends. Although, looking back at pictures of myself from when I was twelve, I think I must have been crazy. To quote a meme I once found on Pinterest, "I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat." Haha, but anyway, I've always had a hard time accepting my body the way it is, and I never really felt like I was anything worth being noticed. So, whenever I would actually receive attention from a guy, (as Dean Sherman would say) I turned into an "emotional prostitute." It was hard to believe that someone might actually be interested in me; so needless to say, whenever I would receive attention from a guy, I didn't do a good job at guarding my heart. Although, it wasn't always that I needed to guard it from others, but sometimes I needed to guard it from myself. In my own mind and heart, I could be giving away my emotions to others, and they probably didn't even realize it. So throughout these past weeks, I've been struggling with guarding my emotions, and with loving myself the way Jesus loves me. 

In February my mom and I ran a half marathon, and because of that I had lost quite a bit of weight. I had reached my goal of 140 lbs., and felt like I finally looked "the way I should." I still wasn't quite the standard of skinny I would like to be, but I was getting there. Over the eleven weeks of being here in Kentucky it's been really hard to keep a consistent workout schedule. That being said, since I've been here I've gained back everything I lost while I was running, and when I weighed myself a few weeks ago I pretty much lost it. (I was almost upset that I had come here, because if I stayed home I could have kept my workout routine and I would probably be even skinnier by now, instead of back to square one.) Obviously the thoughts going through my mind at this moment were along the lines of "what's wrong with you? That's disgusting. Who would ever like you when you look like this?" I was partially mad at myself for gaining weight, and partially mad because I was getting so upset over something so petty. From that point my brain went into weight-loss mode, and I was gonna do everything I could to lose those pounds in the few weeks I had left until outreach - but then I realized something. In the midst of being so concerned with my body image, I was completely losing sight of everything important! How could I regret coming here for DTS?? Especially over something like this! YWAM has been life changing for me, and I was allowing the lies the enemy had told me through my insecurities to completely distract me from all of that! So after a few weeks of struggling to not cringe every time I see myself in the mirror, or every time I get dressed and my clothes don't fit quite the way I'd like them to anymore, God spoke to me this morning while I was on a walk. As I was thinking to myself "and I figured I'd LOSE weight here, considering I have to walk everywhere.." God said "and who says you needed to lose weight?" As I thought about it, I realized that it was just me. Me and today's society, that is. Then He told me how, to Him, I'm perfect. I am flawless, I am beautiful, and I am loved. He loves me just the way I am, and my true friends do too. They don't care if I've gained a little fluff ;) They love me for ME, not my carcass! Now obviously there is a way to be smart about my weight - it's not like I'm gonna eat quarts of ice cream and a whole sleeve of Oreos every night. But what does matter is my motivation - am I doing it solely to take care of this wonderful body God created, or am I doing it because I'm worried about what others think of me? Am I wanting to be healthy, or attract the wrong kind of attention? 

So that's a glimpse of what God's been speaking to me these past couple weeks! He's really been showing me His love for me, and winning my heart back from the things I had previously given it to. I love getting to fall more in love with Him everyday, and it's always fun to discover what He has in store for the next time! Not only has he begun to strip away the burden of my self-esteem issues, but He's helped me with my "emotional prostitution," and I now understand, in my heart as well as my mind, that He is the only one worth giving my heart to, because He is the only one who can fully be trusted with it. He will never do anything to hurt it, and He is the only one who can and will ALWAYS love me unconditionally. But that's a story I'll probably end up sharing later.. :)

Well, if you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me! Sorry it was so long! (And I sure hope it made sense. My thoughts were a bit scattered! Haha)